Managing emotions key to successful leadership

11 September 2012 7:28am

Developing an awareness of, and being able to manage and use emotions effectively, is an important part of successful leadership, according to authors Darren Hill, Alison Hill and Dr Sean Richardson.

"Emotions make things tough, and they are the reason that tough conversations exist," the authors say in their book, Dealing with the Tough Stuff.

"Often managers and leaders will delay, dilute or even change the context of a situation to help ease or soften a tough conversation to avoid hurting someone, and so they are not at the receiving end of any strong emotions.

"The number one thing to remember when dealing with emotions in tough conversations is this: always allow people to own their emotions.

"Treat them like an adult; cushioning them from bad news does not do them any favours and does not give them a chance to grow and develop."

Anger and sadness

The two most common emotions people try to avoid at work are anger and sadness, the authors say, and when employees have emotions that are running high, they are not in a position to make rational decisions.

The book's tips for managers dealing with angry employees include:

Stay calm while still being firm and always keep the volume of your voice underneath the other person's;

Allow the person to calm down by stopping communication for a short time and then returning to it once they have calmed down;

Recognise that things said in anger are not usually grounded in fact or reason; and

If someone is extremely volatile, safety is paramount.

Hill, Hill and Richardson say when it comes to addressing sadness and tears at work, "it is imperative to understand the distinction between sympathy and empathy".

"Sympathy may be words such as 'I feel bad for you', and 'I'm sorry that's happening to you'. The unspoken message that sympathy ultimately portrays is 'I'm glad it's you and not me'," they say.

"On the other hand, empathy comes from a place of being able to connect with the emotions that others are experiencing, [for example] 'It looks like you are really struggling with this', and 'It sounds like it must be tough for you'.

"When we express empathy we validate someone's experience."

Tips for managers dealing with tears include:

Allow the person to cry;

Offering tissues is a simple empathic gesture that gives both people something to do and says 'It's OK to cry';

Simple statements like 'It's OK' are fine to use in this situation;

Silence can also be appropriate, as this allows the other person to compose themselves again; and

Acknowledging the validity of the other person's behaviour by expressing empathy.

"The first stage of getting better at dealing with heightened emotion is acceptance, not ignorance," the authors say.

"By accepting emotions will have to be dealt with, you can make sure you are better equipped to predict, manage and deal with these situations and achieve an outcome that respects everyone involved."

Resistant, defensive, and stubborn behaviour

Not only do employers have to deal with emotions effectively, but they also need to know how to deal with resistant, defensive and stubborn behaviour, the authors say.

As change in businesses is "now the norm, not the exception", the authors say flexible and "forward-thinking organisations that not only deal with but also embrace constant change will rise to the top".

"But doing that is not as simple as it sounds. Humans have an innate resistance to change," they say.

Understanding that there can be different reasons for resistant behaviour - for example, someone might be resistant because similar strategies have been attempted in the past and were unsuccessful, leading to scepticism, or that change is threatening their job - allows a manager to "grasp the wider context behind the behaviours [managers] see in the workplace".

"The goal is to move someone from being resistant to being receptive to change. In order to do this, people need the opportunity to vent and to have their point of view heard and acknowledged."

Hill, Hill and Richardson say an effective manager has the "ability to influence and support others to get off the fence and make a decision".

"An effective way to do this is by highlighting the disconnect between what someone says and their actions. For example: 'So, I hear you want to work with this team, but I also get the sense there's something holding you back from diving in, boots and all. What's going on?'"

Managers should turn fear into confidence when it comes to defensive behaviour, the authors say, as what often sits at the core of the behaviour is fear: "it might be fear of the unknown, fear of an uncertain future, or fear of having no options".

Tips for turning fear into confidence include:

Clear the road - "One of the ways to turn fear into confidence is to talk about a joint vision of the future that is clear and compelling";

Gratitude gets you started - "Instead of simply expecting someone to be physically present for a role or task, try thanking them for being on board, for their skills, or even for their cautiousness in moving forward"; and

Reinforce the good stuff - "Filling people up with encouragement and praise... will go a long way to building confidence in the long run".

Faced with stubborn behaviour, managers should understand that when people are acting stubbornly they might not know how to express what they feel through language, so they refuse to budge, the authors say.

"Stubbornness is often related to dialogue (both internal and external), so ensure you check that you are both clear on the topic or strategy," they say.

"When faced with stubbornness, getting upset or angry will not make the situation any better; it will only make it worse. So beware of your own physical and emotional responses in the face of someone else's stubborn behaviour, and ensure you remain calm.

Hill, Hill and Richardson say defensive, resistant and stubborn behaviour can be transformed.

"With effort, and the right application of some sound behavioural tools, you can shift fear into courage and break through resistance to change," they say.

Dealing with the Tough Stuff is available for purchase in HR Daily's online store.

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