Direct language vital in "tough-stuff" conversations

16 August 2012 7:25am

In "tough-stuff conversations" managers should be clear in their communication, clear in their intent, and get to the point by using direct language, say authors Darren Hill, Alison Hill and Dr Sean Richardson.

In their new book Dealing with the Tough Stuff - How to achieve results from crucial conversations, the authors - a behavioural scientist and two psychologists - explain that managers "can't escape the [inevitable] tough conversations" and HR professionals should encourage leaders to "get good" at them by building a better understanding of human behaviour and learning how to modify and influence the behaviour of others.

Understanding behaviour requires knowledge of "antecedents (things that come before behaviour) and consequences (things that come after behaviour)" so managers can "come to understand why people do certain things and, more usefully, why they keep doing them again and again".

If an employee's behaviour has changed, managers should explore what antecedents might have driven the recent behaviour, instead of addressing that behaviour directly, the authors say.

"[Managers could start] the conversation with: 'Rex, I have noticed a change to your usual high standards. Is there any reason why you are not as punctual as usual, or why you haven't been putting your hand up for project work?'

"By using a question like this, [the manager] opens the door for [the employee] to share what antecedents might be contributing towards [their] changed behaviour.

"You will not always get answers, but in many cases you will."

Direct language and clarity

Hill, Hill and Richardson say that "too often the tough situations are avoided or amplified because communication is unclear".

"When we are having robust conversations at work, the language we use can personalise a situation very quickly... in the tough-stuff conversations, personalisation is a fast track to heightened conflict," they say.

"The best way of depersonalising a conversation or a point that you need to make with someone is to speak in terms of specific behaviours rather than in terms of broad traits."

It is important to identify behaviour rather than traits, the authors say, because "the definition of what constitutes a certain trait varies from person to person".

"There is a danger, particularly in a tough-stuff conversation, that you can be naming a trait, and the other person is sitting there nodding in agreement, but their agreement is based on a different definition from yours.

"Making sure that you speak in terms of behavioural language when having a tough-stuff conversation is incredibly important - it means that you are both operating a shared understanding."

Managers should avoid talking about someone's "work ethic", for example, and instead specify the behaviours they are looking for, such as "completes tasks to agreed timeframes", or "looks for extra work when their own workload has eased off".

Hill, Hill and Richardson say achieving clarity can take time, and getting to the point where a manager is confident that both they and the employee have a shared understanding of expectations "can sometimes feel laborious and time-consuming".

Being able to achieve a greater level of clarity and understanding can "sometimes involve asking the right questions", they say.

"Questions, such as 'In your own words, can you tell me where we go from here?' or 'How do you interpret what we have been talking about?' or even 'What are the next steps?', will give you feedback about how the other person is interpreting the situation.

"They can help ensure that you are both on the same page, and help clarify any confusion or misinterpretation if you are not."

Non-verbal communication

"Non-verbal communication makes a huge difference to how a message is both sent and received," the authors say.

"We can achieve great levels of clarity through our language; there is little doubt that an array of well-positioned phrases and key words will get us better outcomes in crucial conversations," they say.

"But we can undo all of this with an incorrect or inopportune use of our eyes, hands or body posture at a critical point."

In making a point, managers will direct their conversation via four points of non-verbal communication using their eyes:

One-point communication is "when our eyes look downwards and into our personal space". "[It] is a very effective strategy for leading staff members to reflect on their actions," the authors say;

Two-point communication involves using direct eye contact or "looking into someone else's space". It is "the most personal communication" and because it is overused "tough conversations become personalised very quickly";

Three-point communication is where the "speaker and the listener both 'share' an independent visual medium" such as both looking at a whiteboard. "They do not look into each other's space," the authors say.

"Three-point communication helps us talk about 'it' rather than talk about 'you', and directs the conversation towards a process, which depersonalises the conversation"; and

Four-point communication means looking "up-and-out" or "up-and-behind", signalling something off in the distance.

Hill, Hill and Richardson say three-point communication is best for tough conversations.

"The single greatest effect that using the three-point method in the tough stuff achieves is creating a sense of distance from the issue... It is incredibly powerful in achieving behaviour change," they say.

Dealing with the Tough Stuff is available for purchase in HR Daily's online store.

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